Not so much "The End"

There's a book that I continuously want to read, but I had to return it to the library.  The pages are damaged as it's been mistreated many times.  The librarians put a hard cover on it to protect the inside pages, but that makes it much harder to find the novel that's inside.  For almost a year, I've only had to the chance to read the first couple of chapters before a librarian tells me to return it.  Now with it's hard cover, I can't seem to find it and hides between all of the other books.  This time, it's been misplaced and I'll never be able to read past what I've already read.  The story never really finishes and I'm left painfully guessing what would have happened if I had finished the story.  It will take time to forget about it and move on to another story, but as of now I'll have to continue roaming the library restless and hopeless.

Indifferent

There was a point in time when all I wanted was your commitment.
Now, all I want is what I had put behind you.
I'm on a drive to a new place.
The destination isn't yet on a map.
You are still there, but not like before.
You are with me for the times I still miss.
But my expectations of you aren't more than a goodbye kiss.

All I ever wanted was to share what I've been given,
To be forever loved in your eyes,
My hand in yours and a dream based only on reality.
I could give you my life and strive to make everyday like the last,
It doesn't matter what happened in the past,
because you are who you are with that past
and it's perfect.
You and your heart are all I want.
Give me that and I will give you my all.
I pray and pray that one day life will guide you back to me.
I ask for a sign whether to leave you behind or wait,
It seems impossible for the first,
but it seems that I may have to fight my fear and leave you behind.

If I could, I would erase every memory of you.
I am not waving a white flag or ignoring what happened,
but I've lost too much time because of you.
This one moment, I over think it
and suddenly I'm free.
No matter how many memories you've given me,
I won't hold onto them anymore.
There's light at the end of the tunnel.
I am stronger and know that I am more.
I knew from the beginning what to expect.
It was my ignorance.
Goodbye and move on.
All of a sudden I am my own.
I am me, I see me without you.

I believed in something that was not.
I gave everything I had.
I loved and cared.
It's all part of the past.
But my heart is being held captive.
I try to make it right.
I thought it wouldn't take me long.
It's all wrong.
That was the last time.
The last reason to make things right.
The first kiss and the first time is gone.
The connection broken.
I had everything I wanted.
I see you face in the shadows that I can't ignore.
You speak and make it better.
But never is it better.
Never do I get what I want.
It's all gone.
Everything I wanted is out of sight.
I can pray and wish, but the final scene happened.
I can only remember the first kiss and the first time.
I lost everything.
The final words and the final sentence, done.
I can't let this go on forever.
I don't know what to do.
The memories haunt me.
I need a savior from them.
Where do I start again when my heart has no ending.
Please allow me to let you go.

One song after another the past makes itself present. 
Replays after replays I wish and pray you were still here.
Thinking about how it used to be.
Trying to feel what I used to feel.
My heart beating against yours.
Our voices soft in the dark.
It's all I want.
Just you.
Just be mine.
Open your eyes and look into mine.
 Know that during this time you're all I want.
It's all I want. 
Nothing more, nothing less.
Just say yes.

Eyes on you like hawks, we stare and watch every movement from each breath you take to the opening of your eyes throughout the day.  The break of day comes and one by one people disappear to leave you with your one and only love.  She cares, eats, sleeps, and repeats the cycle every day for you.  Prayers are always on the way, calling the angels to create a shield from the evil that is always lurking.  Sleep, rest, and let your worries leave you like leaf does during winter.  Close your eyes and dream so that you can walk again, smile again, and speak again.  Faith is on our side always and dreams are everything, but impossible.    

You crash like the waves of a tsunami in the back of my mind, the roaring tides and the strong gusts of wind remind me of the feelings left from the unfinished business, and let’s not forget like the sea of dead fish left after the matter is the way I have become to you. The marks left on me from the lashing whips of water have been torturous and now my eyes are dry of any tears that may be lurking behind any old memories. Inspired once by your independent thinking and determination, I was swallowed in by Moby Dick like Pinocchio. Now Moby Dick is the only whale I’m not looking for. I will let the waves pass and the ocean calm while I continue sailing the sea into unknown territory.

Beyond the distance the of the imaginary place in a young writer's head lies a place where old memories haunt the mind and soul.  The lines pause and a new start is not the beginning but rather a piece of the original.  The lines pause, break, and live as the people read in between the lines and catch a glimpse of what the writer is feeling.  Line after line like people awaiting to enter a concert of a knockoff Mozart.  Interesting and somewhat beautiful as the waves of sound vibrate through our tunnels of invitation.  What is invited is understood or rather thought to be understood, but never understood at all.  They are words and vibrations that belong to the beholder not to the invitees.   

Han Leido

My attempt at B-26.

Questions after questions

Hours after hours passing by like minutes

It’s a boy

He’s a difficult puzzle

Almost like a chess game

It’s Monday

Play after play

A shock with every touch

Benched and watching big bellies

3 dates in one week

My perfect puzzle piece

Moon day and night

The independents rides on a rocket

Oversized Knots Coming in

Distraction

No, I’m sorry

Love is blind.

Friends?

Check mate

End of the chess game?

A Preoccupied Mind

Play the piano, only one song for I only know one.

Start an old habit of knitting.

Go out and eat with friends.

Talk to one on the phone.

Watch an old show.

Knit another row of what seems to be an unending blanket.

Read a few pages of my book.

Do a little homework.

Not hungry.

Replay my one song.

Play some music.

Take a nap.

Lie awake in the living room with the natural light peering in.

It gets dark outside, close the blinds.

Write a stupid blog.

Reminisce.

Sleep.

Nope, it’s a no go.

No sleep, no food.

The clock ticks, the mind wanders, and my body suffers.

A Parting

Those moments are remembered, but gone forever.

It haunts us at night and keeps us awake.

We follow the path of ghosts,

Waiting and hoping for what used to be.

Denial is not a path leading to the future.

This time the mountain is too high,

It’s not the time to give up but the time to let go.

Farewell to something that was never meant to last.

Desired in Absence

The wind is so gentle,

Its breeze is a relief and comes on its own

Yet we take advantage of it.

It isn’t until its absence on a hot day that we realize we desire it.

The Bird

The bird spreads his wings and can go wherever he pleases, but 

trained by himself, he makes the same journey as before.
He never looks back and is completely focused on his destination.
He passes the view of the flowers that sit on tope of the hill an dthe oceans that crash against the rocks.
Occasionally he stops for a rest only to spend it alone.
His feathers more beautiful than a peacocks and desired by many,
They remain unshared an dseen only from a distance.
Because of his way to avoid everything along his path,
He will never be hurt by the hunter and will make it to his destination,
Untouched and alone.

Scarred and Healed

The clouds become grayer as the shadow disappears into the black hole of the universe.  It is not a case of Alzheimer’s disease, but the constant silent tick of time embedded into the hard drive of the body that creates the distance between one point and another.  The time it takes for the Earth to completely rotate 360 degrees on its axis seems to become longer and suddenly nothing is as satisfying as it once was. Winter days last twelve months and the leaves never reappear on the trees.  It is not until the realization of self-independence that the two points no longer connect and the time of darkness was just the time to mend our other missing half together again.  Once again whole and ready to walk through the clouds to see the light, a new path is taken and we walk it alone for it is a life of one and not two.     

Already Faded

I started this journey by picking one spot on the map.

It started off fun with interesting history along the road,

Stories and memories shared as it continued,

But now all it offers is confusion, exhaustion, and misguidance.

I’m still on the journey, but the road offers no scenery and no more more adventures.

The interest is gone and

The road I initially wanted to travel and the road I’m currently on are no longer the same.

Nothing is shared anymore and the one spot on the map continues to fade as I have already faded to it.

X=X

Plagiarism is the root of human interaction.

Replicated actions by one person from another.

The logic so simple and happens naturally.

Monkey see, monkey do.

X=X

We are all an X in this map of the world,

But who is the treasure?

Is it I who can see this or is another person thinking as I am?

Are we all the same by nature?

Years That Surround Us

Thousands of old and new books lie in the shelves around me.

Some have been around for two decades and others a whole century plus more.

Not all are read.  Some are just dust collectors written by authors that fade away as time evolves.

The pages are ripped and yellow with a smell of death.

Untouched for years and in the shadows of the other books.

The previous owner is either dead or ancient.

The book holds more history than a man who fought at Pearl Harbor.

Through the hands of many and scanned by many eyes. 

History is in front of us, in the books, in the shadows, awaiting us to come by.

Friendship

(Although, silly, cheesy and different in so many ways, I did post this combined work as proof of our friendship.  Thanks J.)

It starts as a seed,

So new and so fragile

With water and sunlight it sprouts through the dark dirt into the polluted air,

Trouble comes as a solid block of cement covers the one small space forced to the seed.

Although solid and strong, the time and the stress of the earth allow the seed to grow through the concrete.

A refreshing breath of air is taken and it’s time to breathe for a continuance of something strong.

That is the persistence of a great friendship.

Suspension of Consciousness

One sound, the sound of rain tapping on the window is the only sound entering the room on this gloomy day.

It makes a body shrivel up into a sea of blankets and a school of pillows. 

The pair of eyes is starting to swell as the sleep is fought off by an army of straining body muscles.

Sleep is victorious and it’s off to another world for the sleeper.

The dream catcher is taking a break and allowing the imagination to roam the brain and travel from place to place until all of the senses are involved in a movie that only the sleeper can experience.

A few hours pass and the sleeper is awake. 

The sleeper begins with a refreshing yawn and a bodily stretch to begin another day.   

A Remote Mind

The night comes to an end.

Only darkness is to fill up the room.

My mind in a foreign place as I lay in bed.

Wandering around in the past and following people who are like ghosts in the present.

The should’ves, the would’ves, and the regret that stain our memory like a drop of red wine on white,

Chain us down from proceeding to the present.

We now weigh heavier than a ships anchor and we are stuck in the foreign place.

When shall we return home?

When will I ever be at my place?.......

The Formation of Something More

It’s like the wind. Invisible, but impactful.

It’s like the Universe.  Endless and interesting. 

The ripples that come from the droplets that hit the water that comes from the rain that come from above, is a parody of the formation of the feelings I have for you. 

It’s powerful and impossible to explain with one word.   

It may just be love to one person, but it’s what we make of it. 

It can be as invigorating as we desire it to be.